I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize