Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
