i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
