Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
