As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
