I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
