o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
