He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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