she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
