if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
