She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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