I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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