i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
