Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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