thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize