We won't sleep together?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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