I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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