if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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