A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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