the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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