that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize