I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
