I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
