apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize