Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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