I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
