haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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