If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
