sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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