I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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