sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
