I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
