I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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