Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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