It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can you bring me the toilet please
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
