my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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