Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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