omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
