I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize