in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
