I think my fart just growled at me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
