I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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