Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
