I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
