If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
