I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
