I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
