i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
