Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
The ass gains better be worth it
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