I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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