Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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