Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
