I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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