I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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