I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
