sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
