I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is Oprah even human
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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