well I can't set my house on fire every night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
