theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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