I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
