I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
